


vroom vroom

by ashxtodd



Series: MitochondriHOES [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Established kawagoshi, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pining, Semi Eita is So Done, Semi and Shirabu are not, Shirabu Kenjirou is a Little Shit, Taichi is very horny, Teen typical sexual humor, a semishira arc idk, chatfic, goshiki is a little shit, i dont even know, so is Goshiki, taichi is a 1d stan idk, well only a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28596246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashxtodd/pseuds/ashxtodd
Summary: emo boy:Shirabu u horny lil shitemo boy:Don't worry I still love uShirabutt: I'm not but thank you semi, you're a real one 💯💯emo boy:no u 🛵Sexy Beast:Gonna put on wapemo boy:wtf wrong emojiemo boy:🙄-Or another chatfic made by yours truly but this time it's actually funny
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Kawanishi Taichi, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Series: MitochondriHOES [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096361
Comments: 20
Kudos: 69





	vroom vroom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sopenation](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sopenation/gifts), [soapilly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soapilly/gifts), [S3MISEMI](https://archiveofourown.org/users/S3MISEMI/gifts).



> Sexy Beast @L0UISCHOKEME: Kawanishi Taichi  
> Not Horny @TheBetterBangedBitch: Goshiki Tsutomu  
> emo boy @BeatingTheMeat: Semi Eita  
> Shirabutt @Shirabitch_ : Shirabu Kenjirou

**_Not Horny_ _@_ TheBetterBangedBitch**

Do you want to join our cult? @BeatingTheMeat 😼

_[A picture of Ushijima with a maid outfit in cat ears edited onto him, while Tendou is next to him with an edited gun in his hand. Next to Tendou are a bunch of flasks with chemicals and butterflies on top of them. In between Ushijima and Tendou is mort with a crown on him. In the corner there is a tiny Yamagata wearing an edited dress. On top of the picture it reads "MITOCHONDRIHOES, FREE THERAPY INCLUDED, ONE DIRECTION THIRST CLUB (FT TAICHI THE PRESIDENT)]_

> **_emo boy_ @BeatingTheMeat **
> 
> I'm scared but intrigued. Go on 😳
> 
> **_Sexy Beast_ @L0UISCHOKEME**
> 
> beefy mort is our president (Kenjirou calls him daddy cos he's a weirdo) <3
> 
> **_Shirabutt_ @Shirabitch_**
> 
> I'm not a weirdo whore 
> 
> **_emo boy_ @BeatingTheMeat **
> 
> ... how does one join this cult? 🤔
> 
> **_Sexy Beast_ @L0UISCHOKEME**
> 
> Feet pictures 
> 
> **_Sexy Beast_ @L0UISCHOKEME**
> 
> IM KIDDING- 
> 
> **_emo boy_ @BeatingTheMeat **
> 
> Ur hilarious I like that 
> 
> **_emo boy_ @BeatingTheMeat **
> 
> But no really is it a group chat or something 🤣
> 
> **_Sexy Beast_ @L0UISCHOKEME**
> 
> Yeah it is lmao 
> 
> **_emo boy_ @BeatingTheMeat **
> 
> Im honored. Count me in uwu
> 
> **_Sexy Beast_ @L0UISCHOKEME**
> 
> It's okay Kenjirou, we're all a little weird on the inside, I accept you for who you are <3
> 
> **_emo boy_ @BeatingTheMeat**
> 
> What is even going on
> 
> **_Sexy Beast_ @L0UISCHOKEME **
> 
> we're inviting you to our insanely normal, not so sketchy cult 

_**Sexy Beast added emo boy to mitochondriHOES** _

**Sexy Beast:** hello welcome to the dark side 

**Sexy Beast** : you are now trapped 😼

**emo boy:** Thanks for inviting me, it was getting stuffy over there on the good side 😔

**Sexy Beast** : I'm glad the plan worked 

**Sexy Beast** : bc kenjirou's plan was to send to dick pics 

**Sexy Beast** : I have now exposed Kenjirou and he's gonna come kill me now 🧍

**emo boy** : Shirabu pls-

**Sexy Beast** : he's been watching too much porn 😔🤚

**emo boy** : I feel so old over here 

**Not Horny** : hi 

**Not Horny** : I'm 16 so 

**Sexy Beast** : IM TURNING 18 NEXT YEAR AAAA

 **Sexy Beast** : you're not even 16 yet tsutomu, whore behavior 

**Not Horny** : I will be 16 in 15 days whore 

**Sexy Beast** : 15 WHOLE DAYS 

**Not Horny** : stop spreading lies you dumbass Taichi

**Sexy Beast** : after 15 days I'm filing a divorce bc age difference 😔

 **Sexy Beast** : don't let this idiot fool you into believing he's mature, TSUTOMU IS NOT 

**Shirabutt** : hello underage bitch 

**Sexy Beast** : tsutomu is HORNY 

**Sexy Beast** : stfu Kenjirou you're the same age as me 😔

**Not Horny** : I'm more mature than you are Taichi 

**Sexy Beast** : Tsutomu you laugh at the word "schlong" 

**Not Horny** : it's a funny word 

**Sexy Beast** : s c h l o n g 

**Not Horny** : OKAY I WON 

**Sexy Beast** : imagine if ppl wrote smut w that 

**Sexy Beast** : CONGRATS

**Not Horny** : THANKS 

**Sexy Beast** : "he entered his schlong into his ass" I would cry 

**Shirabutt** : what's going on I'm so confused 

**Sexy Beast** : idk either I'm scaring ppl 

**Shirabutt** : "h-his schlong!...is so big!" 

**emo boy:** I choked 

**Sexy Beast** : Kenjirou bye 

**Not Horny** : plss

**Sexy Beast:** I'm crying 

**Sexy Beast:** TEARS ARE ROLLING DOWN MY FACE 

**Shirabutt** : you fucking started it 

**Sexy Beast** : I hope no one here has a crying kink 

**Not Horny** : TAICHI I have uhhhh 294 coins now 

**Sexy Beast:** bye me McDonalds 

**Sexy Beast** : buy* 

**Sexy Beast** : FUCK 

**Sexy Beast** : I hate it here 

**Not Horny:** you don't deserve it 

**Sexy Beast:** this is why I'm quitting school and becoming a stripper 

**Not Horny** : good luck 

**Shirabutt** : I thought you already were one 

**Sexy Beast:** OnlyFans link in bio, pay me please 

**Not Horny:** ITS TAICHI BULLYING DAY 

**Shirabutt** : 💵

**Sexy Beast** : ITS ALWAYS TAICHI BULLYING DAY 

**Sexy Beast:** @BeatingTheMeat don't listen to them, I'm a wonderful person 

**Not Horny** : @BeatingTheMeat Taichi bullying day is amazing, make sure to celebrate it 

**Shirabutt** : entertain me now 

**Sexy Beast:** DONT BULLY ME 

**Shirabutt:** @BeatingTheMeat hello semi-san 

**emo boy:** oh hi Shirabu!!

**Not Horny:** shirabu senpai is only prwtwnding to be nice

**Shirabutt:** im the only mentally stable person here 

**Sexy Beast:** Kenjirou is the biggest bully here

**emo boy:** Is there a team mom in here? If not I would like to step up

**Sexy Beast:** yes please become the team mom

**Shirabutt** : omg semi-san team mom LMAO

**Sexy Beast:** I'm the horniest here apparently, I beg to differ 

**Shirabutt:** DONT BRING UP THE FUCKING STEP ROLEPLAY AGAIN TAICHI

 **Shirabutt:** IM GONNA FREAKING KILL YOU IF YOU DO 🤗

**Sexy Beast:** @BeatingTheMeat what are you doing step mom 🏃♂️

**emo boy:** Children please stop fighting 

**Not Horny:** _[A demented picture of a cat with black hole eyes and sharp teeth]_

**Sexy Beast:** I'm stuck step mom 😳😳😳😳

 **Sexy Beast:** kenjirou i made us a poster for this gc

 **Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of Ushijima with a maid outfit in cat ears edited onto him, while Tendou is next to him with an edited gun in his hand. Next to Tendou are a bunch of flasks with chemicals and butterflies on top of them. In between Ushijima and Tendou is mort with a crown on him. In the corner there is a tiny Yamagata wearing an edited dress. On top of the picture it reads "MITOCHONDRIHOES, FREE THERAPY INCLUDED, ONE DIRECTION THIRST CLUB (FT TAICHI THE PRESIDENT)]_

 **Sexy Beast** : I think this is beautiful 

**Shirabutt:** omg

 **Shirabutt:** pretty 

**Sexy Beast:** I'm prettier obv 

**Shirabutt:** very sexc 

**Sexy Beast:** ikr that's why Tsutomu and I are together 

**Shirabutt:** the maid costume is making me act up 😳‼

**Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of a character from spongebob holding a bottle of "HORNY-BE-GONE" pills]_

**emo boy:** *sprays holy water* 

**Sexy Beast:** Holy water doesn't even work at this point

**Shirabutt:** _[A picture of "silence me, top"]_

**Sexy Beast:** yeah silence him, Semi-san ^

**emo boy:** Bonk! Yall are going to horny jail

**Shirabutt:** is holy water kink a thing 

**Sexy Beast:** The only way to stop the horny is to get even more horny to the point where the horny just bursts 

**Shirabutt:** _[The meme "joke's on you, I'm into that shit"]_

**emo boy:** Honestly that's a good question Shirabu

**Sexy Beast:** Well Kenjirou, if ur a demon then yes it is, it's called being a masochist 

**emo boy:** Maybe a demon

 **emo boy:** Gasp same mind

**Shirabutt:** jinx

**Sexy Beast:** Great minds think alike

 **Sexy Beast:** I'm the only smart one here js 🙄🙄

**Shirabutt:** my friend once mentioned that

 **Shirabutt:** instead of daddy, they replaced it with ustadz 

**Sexy Beast:** I once called sangwoo daddy, I wasn't mentally stable back then 

**emo boy:** Who said u were mentally stable now?

**Shirabutt:** ^^

**emo boy:** Oh god is it even okay to roast u I just joined this chat 

**Sexy Beast:** Okay no I'm not 😔💔

 **Sexy Beast:** It is

**Shirabutt:** ofc, it's bullying taichi day 

**Shirabutt:** we should gladly celebrate it 

**Sexy Beast:** It's sad but it's true 

**emo boy:** A tradition I must adhere to 

**Shirabutt:** amen

**emo boy:** Passed down from generations before us

**Sexy Beast:** It really fuels my degrading kink

 **Sexy Beast** : I'm kidding bye

 **Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of Grinch as sexiest man of 2020 by forbes]_

 **Sexy Beast:** I wish Grinch would rail me sometimes yk

**Shirabutt:** and here u were saying that ur mentally stable 

**emo boy:** Child why

**Sexy Beast:** Grinch is sexy and I have eyes

**emo boy:** I thought I raised u better 

**Sexy Beast:** I am respectfully looking at him 

**Sexy Beast:** No step mom, I'm just horny 

**Shirabutt:** mom im scared pick me up

**Sexy Beast:** Stfu Kenjirou u were bullying me like 2m ago 🙄

**emo boy:** omw @Shirabitch_

**Sexy Beast:** It's bc y'all think I have a degradation kink isn't it

 **Sexy Beast:** Is this why I'm always step child

 **Sexy Beast:** IS THIS WHY IM ALWAYS STUCK

**Not Horny:** yall are so quick

 **Not Horny:** no idea what youre talking about rn

**Sexy Beast:** fuck shit dick ass 

**Sexy Beast:** What else 

**Shirabutt:** um pussy? 

**Sexy Beast:** oh yes 

**Sexy Beast:** Never forget when I had a wet dream about Goshiki and I still think about it

 **Sexy Beast:** Like I said before, this is also a thirst club and I'm the president 

**emo boy:** I don't think I want to know what goes on in ur head @L0UISCHOKEME

**Sexy Beast:** It's just horny 

**emo boy:** Disowned 

**emo boy:** Jk I love u

**Sexy Beast:** Bye I'm going to be a pornstar 

**Sexy Beast:** Okay mom

**emo boy:** I hope you succeed in life 

**Sexy Beast:** Thanks mom

**emo boy:** Yes girl hustle and get that coin

**Not Horny:** GAYS IM GOJNANW WIN

**Shirabutt:** what is goshiki playing 

**Sexy Beast:** bedwars 

**emo boy:** I love being team mom

**Sexy Beast:** My pornstar name is "Louis' whore" 

**Sexy Beast:** I'm kidding that's why Instagram name 

**Shirabutt:** Louis' pussycat

**emo boy:** Curious, am I the oldest here

**Shirabutt** : yeah 

**Sexy Beast:** team mom team mom team mom team mom team mom team mom

**emo boy:** I'm so used to being the youngest 

**emo boy:** But either way I always wind up being the team mom because I have a weird complex

**Sexy Beast:** Guys do you want me to go into detail about my dream about Tsutomu or 

**emo boy** : @L0UISCHOKEME i don't think we could stop you anyway 

**Shirabutt:** turn into an essay and submit it when u apply for uni taichi

**Sexy Beast:** I fucked him in his classroom on the wall in front of everyone 

**emo boy:** Oh god

 **emo boy:** You're so young,,, what is this world coming to

**Sexy Beast** : It was a magical experience guys

 **Sexy Beast:** That dream has been the inspiration to countless horny adventures 

**Shirabutt:** taichi, king of every kink

**emo boy:** That's it I'm sending you to bible school

 **emo boy:** Wait no what if you end up getting a priest kink 

**Shirabutt:** too late, i bet he already has one

**Sexy Beast:** Priest Louis could get it 😻‼

**emo boy:** You would take "Forgive me father for I have sinned" too far

**Sexy Beast:** BYEEE

**Shirabutt:** shit now im imagining one direction bitches as priests 

**Sexy Beast:** That's very sexc of u kenjirou

**emo boy:** NO CHILD YOU WERE THE PUREST ONE

**Shirabutt:** Shirabu Kenjirou the purest one

**Sexy Beast:** Some ppl who have never talked to me think I'm mature and calm

 **Sexy Beast:** And then this is actually me

 **Sexy Beast:** Stfu Kenjirou I bet you have a piss kink or smth 🙄🙄

**Shirabutt:** YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT AT FIRST 

**Shirabutt:** I haven't discovered by kinks yet, master 😔

**Sexy Beast:** I'm not mature, I'm sexy

**emo boy:** I used to think wow Kawanishi Taichi he looks so responsible, calm and mature, he'll bring stability to the team

 **emo boy:** I still think that 

**emo boy** : But you're definitely way kinkier than I ever imagined 

**Shirabutt:** I fucking agree 

**Not Horny:** honestly, I thought the same

**Sexy Beast:** yk my sister knows Tsutomu as "that friend taichi is married to"

**Not Horny:** i luv ur sister 

**Sexy Beast:** Tsutomu remember when my sister banned u and I for being gay in minecraft lmao

 **Sexy Beast:** She's a homophobic homosexual 

**Not Horny:** yes she is

 **Not Horny:** does she know we're together lmao

**Sexy Beast:** lmao idk

 **Sexy Beast:** What's the story behind ur @ tsutomu

**Not Horny:** i will reveal it

 **Not Horny:** uhhh

 **Not Horny:** someday

**Sexy Beast:** whelp

**Shirabutt:** hm susupicious 

**Sexy Beast:** It's the soap kink kenjirou

**Shirabutt:** suspicious

**emo boy** : sus

 **emo boy:** _[A selfie of Semi peace-signing]_

 **emo boy:** Mostly I just have a praise kink and I need to be fed compliments 

**Sexy Beast:** Semi-san stop, ur simps can't take it anymore (*cough* kenjirou)

 **Sexy Beast:** Rename this gc to Semi-san simp nation

**emo boy:** what's going on

**Shirabutt:** _[A picture of an emoji with a hand on it's face and hearts all around with "we in luv" on it]_

 **Shirabutt:** _[Picture of Shirabu peace signing]_

 **Shirabutt:** i look decently handsome 

**emo boy:** you look VERY handsome shirabu

**Shirabutt:** _[A picture of a girl on her flip phone smiling, with "stop!! im blushin"]_

 **Shirabutt:** semi-san whats ur height

**emo boy:** I'm 179.5cm 

**Sexy Beast:** I'm 188.3cm 😻😻😻😻

**emo boy:** why are u so big

**Shirabutt:** im

 **Shirabutt:** fuck

 **Shirabutt:** im 174.8cm

**emo boy:** TINY

 **emo boy:** Must pick up

**Shirabutt:** I prefer to say I come in huggable size

**Sexy Beast:** idk semi-san but I have a big dick too

**emo boy:** why are u like this

**Sexy Beast:** my mom raised a whore

**emo boy:** What about Tsutomu? 

**Sexy Beast:** Tsutomu is like 

**Sexy Beast:** 176 

**Sexy Beast:** Or around that I think

**Not Horny:** I'm 181.5cm actually

**Sexy Beast:** Bye

**Shirabutt:** lol

**Not Horny** : youre a fake fan, taichi

**Sexy Beast:** I hate it here 😭🤚

**emo boy:** Babies ur all babies

**Shirabutt:** taichi is cancelled 

**Sexy Beast:** I have ur birthday marked on my calendar tsutomu im sorry

 **Sexy Beast:** I'm literally gonna buy you so many presents on ur birthday 😩😩

 **Sexy Beast:** Yes not 1 but multiple 

**Sexy Beast:** @TheBetterBangedBitch can I get my privileges back now 

**Shirabutt:** ass privilege? 

**Sexy Beast:** Yes

**Not Horny:** you shall

**Sexy Beast** : I love u

**Not Horny:** i know

**Shirabutt:** and thus the couple live happily ever after, they fuck everyday, and being lovey dovey for their entire lives 

**Sexy Beast:** BREAKING NEWS: Kawanishi Taichi has been revealed to be the #1 Goshiki Tsutomu stan

**emo boy:** Looking at u guys makes me want a relationship 

**Shirabutt:** JWDGJWDWEGDWJEDEDH

**Sexy Beast:** Kenjirou is literally right there, Semi-san

**Shirabutt:** BYEWDHEWDG2UDHEDHGDFEDDF

**emo boy:** Are u saying what i think ur saying 

**Shirabutt:** NOT ANOTHER WORD TAICHI

**Sexy Beast:** Please get together with him already, the sexual tension between you two is making me shit my pants 

**Shirabutt:** NEHGHWDHEJDEDFHDEDGEFE

**emo boy:** 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

 **emo boy:** Shirabu do u like me? 

**Shirabutt:** NO? WHAT GAVE U THAT IMPRESSION

**emo boy:** So hypothetically if I were to ask u to be my boyfriend, you would say no?

**Shirabutt:** um,,,hypothetically I'd probably say yes

**emo boy:** Okay cool, can I pick you up at 8 at ur dorm room?

**Shirabutt:** WHATWBVDEGDEK

**Sexy Beast:** yes please 

**Shirabutt:** ARE WE DATING NOW? DBWQHDEYJDE

**emo boy:** Yeah

**Shirabutt:** I DID NOT CONSENT TO ANY OF THIS BYE

**Sexy Beast:** u sort of did, now stfu

**Not Horny:** _[A picture saying "It was you, you farted"]_

 **Not Horny:** @L0UISCHOKEME

**Shirabutt:** ok that's so random

**Sexy Beast:** Sorry anal is hard tsutomu idk how u do it

**Shirabutt:** what

**Sexy Beast:** What

**Not Horny:** [ _Picture of pressing button that says "THIS IS ME RESPECTFULLY ASKING YOU TO FUCK ME"]_

 **Not Horny:** _@L0UISCHOKEME_

**Sexy Beast:** omg bottom 

**Not Horny:** Stfu and spank me whore 

**emo boy:** yall rein in the horiness pls

 **emo boy:** This chat is PG 13 

**Shirabutt:** shit, mom's mad

 **Shirabutt:** *pretends to clean the house*

**emo boy:** No horniess in MY Christian household

**Not Horny:** _[A picture of kermit with his hands on it's hole, opening it wide]_

 **Not Horny:** _@L0UISCHOKEME_

**emo boy:** We're a dysfunctional family

**Not Horny** : _[A Picture of Barbie from swan lake lying down on the floor on her stomach]_

**Sexy Beast:** NOT BARBIE

**Not Horny:** I'm scared i have no idea where my enemy is

**Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of skeezites from Barbie Mariposa]_

 **Sexy Beast:** Remember these sexcies 

**Shirabutt:** sigh

**emo boy:** _@Shirabitch__ ur pretty

**Shirabutt:** SEMI STOP MAKING ME ACT UP

**Sexy Beast:** Get a bucket and a mop for this 😩‼

**emo boy:** Shirabu u horny lil shit

 **emo boy:** Don't worry I still love u 

**Shirabutt** : I'm not but thank you semi, you're a real one 💯💯

**emo boy:** no u 🛵

**Sexy Beast:** Gonna put on wap

**emo boy:** wtf wrong emoji

 **emo boy:** 🙄

**Not Horny:** no, i think it was the right one

**Sexy Beast:** WHY WERE U USING THAT EMOJI IN THE FIRST PLACE

 **Sexy Beast:** PLEASE GIVE ME CONTEXT

**emo boy:** um 

**emo boy:** Wait

**Shirabutt:** Underrated we should start using it more often 

**emo boy:** Why did I use that

**Sexy Beast:** Extra large and extra hard 😩‼

**emo boy:** Sometimes you just gotta vroom vroom yk 🛵

**Sexy Beast:** Put this 😼😼 right in ur face 

**Shirabutt:** semi is right

 **Shirabutt:** ass 🛵

**emo boy** : I'm always right 

**Sexy Beast:** Swipe ur nose like a credit card, hop on top i wanna ride 🤭

**Shirabutt:** computer 🛵

**Sexy Beast:** I do a kegel while it's inside 🧚♀️

**Shirabutt:** What are u even saying 

**Sexy Beast:** idk wap lyrics 

**emo boy:** Still haven't listened to it

 **emo boy:** Will never listen to it

**Sexy Beast:** Tie me up like I'm surprised let's roleplay I'll wear a disguise 😩‼

**Shirabutt:** i just know the wet ass pussy part 

**Sexy Beast:** I want you to park that big mack truck right in this little garage 

**Sexy Beast:** What are these lyrics 

**Not Horny:** [ _A picture of a kitten]_

**Shirabutt:** IS THAT UR CAT

**emo boy:** I FUCKING LOVE CATS 

**Not Horny:** It's not 😭

**emo boy:** I'm gonna steal it

**Shirabutt:** HELLO CAT

**Not Horny** : SAME SEMI SENPAI

 **Not Horny:** I have 7 cats though

**Shirabutt:** WHO TF HATES CATS IM GONNA FUCKING FIGHT THEM

**Sexy Beast:** I want a cat but my mom's scared of cats

**Shirabutt:** EVEN DEMONS LOVE CATS

**Sexy Beast:** Good thing she doesn't live w me 😼😼 time to find a cat

 **Sexy Beast:** Tsutomu what type of cat should I get 

**Shirabutt:** pussy

**Not Horny** : What do you want it to be like

**Sexy Beast:** Tsutomu cat is cat

**Not Horny:** no its not

 **Not Horny:** you dumb fucking fuck

**Sexy Beast:** I want a fat cat cos they're cute 

**Not Horny:** do you want like a stray one or some kind of breed 

**Sexy Beast:** Idk some kind of breed

**Shirabutt:** Taichi is right

 **Shirabutt:** cat is cat

**emo boy:** No u gotta learn the breeds 

**Not Horny:** YEAH

 **Not Horny:** THANK YOU SEMI SENPAI

**Shirabutt:** no

 **Shirabutt:** cat is cat

**emo boy:** UNEDUCATED 

**Shirabutt:** semi im in love with your name 

**emo boy:** What why 😂

**Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of Yoonbum]_

**emo boy:** Taichi honey, no

**Shirabutt:** it's a nice name 

**Sexy Beast:** Yoonbum 😻

**Not Horny:** I secretly like Yoonbum's top yknow

**emo boy:** SHIRABU KENJIROU IS A PRETTY NAME TOO 😭

 **emo boy:** Is this why you keep saying my name

**Sexy Beast:** Yes

**Shirabutt:** yes

**Sexy Beast:** Kenjirou simps for u hardcore

**emo boy:** No ones ever simped for me b4

**Shirabutt:** I have 😳😳😳😳

**Sexy Beast:** Hardcore ahaha now I'm thinking about the hardcore porn category 

**Sexy Beast:** IF I DONT REPLY RN ITS BC IM FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE FOR PIZZA BRB

**Shirabutt:** go get the goddamn pizza taichi

 **Shirabutt:** we believe in u

**emo boy:** Mama didn't raise a quitter 

**Shirabutt:** mama raised a procrastinator 😔

**Sexy Beast:** GOT 2 SLICES LETS GOOOO

**emo boy:** Here's ur medal 🥇

**Shirabutt:** congratulations 

**Sexy Beast:** Thank u 😻

**Shirabutt:** anyways 

**Shirabutt:** gonna sleep

**Sexy Beast** : Yeah sleep whore

 **Sexy Beast:** GN!!

**Shirabutt:** bye mom, and other bitches 

**Shirabutt:** gn 😼‼💕

**emo boy:** Bye my favorite child

**Sexy Beast:** Wow betrayal 🧍♂️

**Shirabutt:** ILY MOM 😼♥

**emo boy:** ILY too gn 💜

**Not Horny:** gn shirabu senpai

**emo boy:** You guys should stalk my insta cos I seek validation 

**Not Horny:** I never post on instagram 😼💅

**Shirabutt:** go post smth goshiki

**emo boy:** Yes pls

**Not Horny:** i have nothing to post😳😳

**emo boy:** Wait Shirabu aren't you supposed to be asleep?

**Shirabutt:** oh yeah ur right

 **Shirabutt:** gn all haha

**Not Horny:** goodnight!!

**Sexy Beast:** _@Shirabitch__ whore behavior 

**Shirabutt:** i hope tmr the gc isnt dead 

**Shirabutt:** stfu I'm a good whore 

**Sexy Beast:** its bc u die kenjirou 

**Sexy Beast:** Me and Tsutomu are always online

**Not Horny:** ye

 **Not Horny:** it's because we have no life

 **Not Horny:** which is pretty sad actually

**Sexy Beast:** My day starts w texting Tsutomu and it ends w texting Tsutomu, it's a lifestyle 

**Shirabutt:** romantic 

**emo boy:** Shirabu you handsome boy, go to sleep

**Shirabutt:** oh yeah

**Sexy Beast:** Imagine fucking ur friends

**emo boy:** I'd rather not thanks 

**Not Horny:** they're all ugly 

**Sexy Beast:** Bye-

 **Sexy Beast:** My friends get on their knees for me

 **Sexy Beast:** And tried to give me hickeys

 **Sexy Beast:** I mean it was a weird day

**Not Horny:** i heard this story exactly 7 times. bye

**emo boy:** I'm team mom in every friend group I can't fuck my kids

 **emo boy:** Taichi are u living in some porn universe? 

**Sexy Beast:** It was a strange day bc we were on the verge of an orgy and then 2m later I was confessing to Tsutomi 

**Sexy Beast:** My friends are all weird and horny 😩

**emo boy:** My friend once asked what lingerie was for

 **emo boy:** He didn't know it was for sex 

**emo boy:** Another thought ppl still wore all their clothes when fucking 

**emo boy:** I had to explain that no, u gotta take it off for it to work

**Sexy Beast:** Meanwhile my friends; I wanna fuck in an elevator 

**Sexy Beast:** My friends are like SO horny

**emo boy:** My friends don't even know the meaning of horny

**Sexy Beast:** BYE

**emo boy:** U all need jesus

**Sexy Beast:** We really do

**Not Horny:** [ _A picture that says "Shut up before I come over there and suck yo dick"]_

**emo boy:** TAKE ME TO CHURCH 

**emo boy:** I forgot the rest of the lyrics 

**Sexy Beast:** Crying 

**Shirabutt:** ill worship like a dog

**Sexy Beast:** KENJIROU WHY ARE U UP

 **Sexy Beast:** OH MY GOD

**emo boy:** WHY ARE U AWAKE 

**Shirabutt:** the phone keeps vibrating 

**Shirabutt:** im curious 

**Sexy Beast:** I'm done w u hoes, I'm calling my lawyer 

**emo boy:** there's a thing called mute notifications, love

**Not Horny:** HE RLLY WOKE UP TO WRITE THE REST OF THE LYRICS 💀

**emo boy:** Gotta get ur sleep

 **emo boy:** Ur a growing child

 **emo boy:** OH MY GOD HE DID IM CRYING

 **emo boy:** Did I summon u

**Shirabutt:** no im still here

**Sexy Beast:** sometimes when i rewatch "This is Us" by one direction I keep staring at Louis' ass

 **Sexy Beast:** Like it's so weird but my eyes always travel there

**emo boy:** Don't try and pass it off as weird we all know ur just a horny person 

**Sexy Beast:** I know 😩😩

**Shirabutt:** AHAHAHAHAHA EXPOSED 

**Sexy Beast:** Kenjirou stop laughing you'll wake up the neighbors 

**emo boy:** My savage ass is just happy to get new meat for roasting 

**Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of Louis Tomlinson]_

 **Sexy Beast:** I want Louis to crush me w his thighs 

**emo boy:** Understandable have a good day

**Sexy Beast:** I stare at that picture everyday

 **Sexy Beast:** Like a creep but it's ok

 **Sexy Beast:** Should I make a Louis shrine 

**Shirabutt:** _[A picture of an Instagram comment that reads "Dicks are so cute omg(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ when you hold one in your hand and it starts twitching its like its nuzzling you(/ω＼) or when they perk up and look at you like" owo nya? :3c" hehe ~ penis-kun is happy to see me!!（＾ワ＾） and the most adorable thing ever is when sperm-sama comes out but theyre rlly shy so u have to work hard!!(๑•̀ㅁ•́๑)✧ but when penis-kun and sperm-sama meet and theyre blushing and all like "uwaaa~!" (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ: ･ﾟhehehe~penis-kun is so adorable (●´Д｀●)・"]_

**Sexy Beast:** kenjirou u need sleep

 **Sexy Beast:** I had a tom Holland shrine in grade 8 in my locker

**emo boy:** Why do u not have a Louis shrine 

**Shirabutt:** i was about to ask "Who's holland" because I didn't see the tom

**emo boy:** i have a bts shrine

**Sexy Beast:** Gonna make a Louis shrine ig

 **Sexy Beast:** Time to buy candles and print some pictures 

**Sexy Beast:** Might even make a mini cardboard cut out 

**emo boy:** We love an artsy bitch

**Sexy Beast:** When I had my Tom Holland shrine

 **Sexy Beast:** My friend and I would lowkey manifest his dick

 **Sexy Beast:** I'm not even kidding 

**Shirabutt:** im so concerned about u

**emo boy:** Why stop at cardboard vandalise the twon 

**emo boy:** Spray paint one direction on every building 

**Sexy Beast:** Omg yes 😻😻

 **Sexy Beast:** Okay but I have inside information that I have a big dick

 **Sexy Beast:** Because you know Tsutomu told me 

**emo boy:** That's it 

**emo boy:** @TheBetterBangedBitch come get ur husband 

**emo boy:** IM DONE GN

**Sexy Beast:** _[A picture of Plankton holding a heart with "spank me pls"]_

**emo boy:** It's horny jail for u

 **emo boy:** Wait no that could also be a kink

**Sexy Beast:** I mean it is 😳😳😳

**emo boy:** @TheBetterBangedBitch come get ur husband and be cute idc 

**Sexy Beast:** Ur cute 🙄🙄

**emo boy:** U big flirt

**Not Horny:** being cheated on isn't EASY

**emo boy:** Goshiki rn:

 **emo boy:** _[The meme "Welcome home cheater"]_

**Not Horny:** YEAH PRETTY MUCH

**Sexy Beast:** BYEEE

 **Sexy Beast:** I mean we're getting divorced in 15 days anyway 😔

**emo boy:** TOO MUCH DRAMA 

**emo boy:** GOODNIGHT

**Sexy Beast:** gnn

**Not Horny:** Goodnight!!

**Sexy Beast:** @TheBetterBangedBitch come over to dms 😼

**Not Horny:** ight bet

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> guys sopenation knows I exist omg 
> 
> Also this was based off an actual conversation that happened last night and it took 114 screenshots for me to write this but whatever it's finally done and it's hilarious idc
> 
> (ps. try to guess who i was <3)
> 
> follow my twitter @ashxtodd idk


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